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badfae

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Morbid [28 Aug 2012|09:18pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

I think, fairly often, about what would happen if I died. Not that I have any plan or desire to make it happen, of course--I just wonder how things would play out. It only just occurred to me that I do this, so I don't know how long I've had the habit, or why. I'm not even sure if it's weird, because I have no frame of reference. It's usually when I'm riding in a car, but sometimes when I'm crossing the street or considering my mysterious medical issues.

Ideally, I'd have just enough time to text a few people beforehand, and tell them I love them. I may even include one person whom I wouldn't say I love, now, but once did. That, or grave illness on either side, is probably the only circumstance under which I'll say anything to this person ever again. That's exponentially true when it comes to anything regarding feelings.

I wouldn't want much in the way of a funeral, really. As long as they keep the Jesus stuff out of it and abide by my wishes to donate tissues and organs and cremate the rest, whatever way people choose to mourn/remember me is up to them. I think it would be a fairly small gathering, though I know it's always possible more people would miss me than I am aware of. That's often how it goes.

I feel bad about the people I know love me being upset, but the idea of them moving on, missing me in a non-painful way, and remembering me fondly, isn't a bad one at all. I'd prefer none of them to be present during my actual death, though--especially if it's something where they might also be injured (or, worse, killed). They should be safe.

I think my biggest concern is the stuff that will be found afterwards. Not that there's anything too weird, or secret, just that I like to keep a lot of things on a need-to-know basis. While I'm alive, I can protect my privacy, and keep people from being hurt by things I said, in passing, only to myself (I'm an occasional journaler) but there's nothing I can do about it anymore if I'm not around.

Don't misunderstand me--I plan to live a good, long life. There's quite a precedent for longevity in my family's history. It's just a thing I think about.

WW~ read ~WWWW~ speak ~WW

Stuff! [15 Sep 2011|11:32pm]
[ mood | awake ]

So, wow, yeah, stuff has been happening.

Still no news on the job front, for me, but Beau's got something he enjoys (and we both hope will end up full-time), and we're staying sort of afloat. A lot of this relies on help from my dad, for which I will be eternally grateful.

Socially, however, things are going much better. Isn't that always how it goes? Finances suck--friends are great. Many of you may know that Beau has had a girlfriend these last several months. That's been going very well for him, and we've met a ton of GREAT people through her and her husband.

As for me...I hit my one-year anniversary with my boyfriend back in June, and his/my girlfriend not long after, and that's still steady and strong. I don't get to see them nearly as much as I'd like most months (and, right this minute, I'd really, really, REALLY like...oof). There is love, there. It's wonderful, and refreshing after the times I've had where I loved someone who didn't/wouldn't love me in return.

Shortly after that anniversary, I took up with the husband of Beau's girlfriend, as well. Heh. So I'm a busy girl, I guess. We do see each other often, and it's all very cozy and fun and, so far, fairly casual. It's lovely.

Those of you who follow me on Facebook can probably guess whom I'm talking about, IF you follow closely enough. But, frankly, I don't expect anyone to. I'm interested in my life, of course, and certain things about it seem VERY obvious, to me, but people see what they're expecting to see. This works to the advantage of anyone who's trying to be discreet, but without actually hiding anything ;)

WW~ read ~WWWW~ speak ~WW

Aah, random dudes... [12 Jul 2011|11:45am]
[ mood | amused ]

I received the following missive on Facebook, from a stranger, and am recording it here for...um...posterity?

"hello friend hru nice pic like it muhwaaaa heheh am arslan from pak u want to chat with me here or yahoo here may i see your web cam reply me sweety new friend if you dont mind u are and me only sweety friend like u friend"

Be still, my heart.

WW~ read ~WWWW~ speak ~WW

On the Google+ bandwagon... [12 Jul 2011|08:20am]
[ mood | okay ]

...you can find me here: http://gplus.to/badfae

WW~ speak ~WW

I've been nudged to update [17 May 2011|10:48pm]
[ mood | okay ]

What's funny is, just the other day, I'd been thinking about how I should maybe check in, here.

Everything I said in this entry is still true: things are still happening (mostly inside my head and heart), but much of it is too precious, too complicated, or too nobody-else's-business for me to share anywhere but in private conversations.

There are some things I can talk about, though, I guess. Most of what I posted here also remains true.

Beau (cloaking_device) and I lost our house last summer, and so moved from Cadillac to Owosso. We are still looking for work. It's only through the help of friends and what amounts to subsidy from my father (who manages the apartment complex in which we currently live rent-free, thanks to Section 8). I just had a job interview last Monday, and I intend to call within the next couple days if I don't hear from them. It's a pretty depressing situation, overall; I'm not going to sugar-coat it. It amazes me we've been as lucky as we have these last six months. I didn't want to leave my job, but there was no other choice, since we're now a couple hours away from it. Beau's job, on the other hand, had become a waiting game: he knew the hammer was going to fall, but not when.

I've been seeing a couple people for almost a year, now. By "seeing a couple people", I actually mean "seeing two people who are a couple". There--that's new information for most of you! They're both wonderful. And those of you who are also on Facebook, if you're detectives enough, might be able to figure out who (whom?). I can't imagine anyone being that interested, though...and, if you ARE, just ASK me and save yourself the trouble (that goes for ANY kind of gossip and speculation, really).

This has been a big deal for me for a lot of reasons, most of them detailed and personal. It's important to mention here that they are two separate people, to me, not just a unit--I'm not "dating a couple" so much as it is that I have a boyfriend and a girlfriend who also happen to be live-in partners to each other, established before I came along.

I haven't been able to see much of them, lately, unfortunately, what with illnesses, injuries, and money problems. It really hurts some days, I'll be honest. That's one of the dangers of living a hundred miles away when gas prices are ridiculous. Suffice it to say, though, this is about more than just sex. And the fact that I can say ANYTHING about this/them publicly--and, more, know what I say is true and mutual--is a FAR bigger deal to me than most people will ever realize.

I hope I took some steps, today, to make both of the above problems (job, not being able to see people I miss) easier: I got a driver's permit (again). Some of you might not know I don't drive. Well, surprise! Anyway, yeah. The difference is, this time, I'm going to have more people than before keeping me accountable, and also more reasons to get out on my own. The reasons I haven't done it up 'til now are complicated and involve a lot of me trying to explain anxiety and being too dependent for too long, so, let's just say YAY and be done with it ;)

Beau has a girlfriend, as well, and I like her a lot. And we've met all kinds of cool people through her AND through my own boyfriend and girlfriend, so our social lives have definitely gotten more interesting after the move.

I'm losing interest in writing. So, then...more later. As always, feel free to ask me whatever you're curious about (and know I may have to tell you the answer privately).

WW~ read ~WWWW~ speak ~WW

Dreamwidth.org [05 Apr 2011|04:34pm]
[ mood | sore ]

I now have an account. I don't know how much I'll use it, but, we'll see. I'm badfae over there, as well.

WW~ speak ~WW

It's early, and I'm awake [20 Mar 2011|07:39am]
[ mood | okay ]

I miss how active LiveJournal used to be...but, then, I'm part of the problem, only rarely reading my friends list and posting every other month or so. It's not that I don't think of the people here, because I do...I just don't think of blogging, most of the time. I guess.

I used to be such an open book. To some extent, I still am--any question put to me, I will answer as thoroughly and honestly as I can, even personal ones (although those may require a private answer, depending on the question). The key, however, is to ask. I hide nothing, but volunteer little. Which really isn't any different than my policy ever was; there are simply more things, these days, to (not) volunteer.

The truth is, I sometimes feel stifled by LJ, by Facebook, by Twitter. You might think that, with the increase in venues, with more online friends and places for them to read what I have to say, that my creativity and expression would increase, but that hasn't been the case. Instead, I have warring impulses: to share and be heard when I'm frustrated or upset, or when I'm bursting with happiness or excitement. But I've been bitten before, when it comes to sharing--I've learned that there will always be people who will, despite my straightforwardness, over-interpret or speculate or gossip or just generally try to make what should be their own problem into mine. Luckily, that hasn't happened in quite a while (as far as I know), but it has made me less likely to be open, because these they. are. everywhere.

So, maybe I've gotten more secretive. Maybe my open book is now partially encrypted--there, but only readable if you know what you're looking for. Maybe the price of protection is the pinch I sometimes feel, the distraction of the energy I can't expel anywhere but private conversation (if I'm lucky), and the feelings of isolation. Eh, well.

So...how have you guys been?

WW~ speak ~WW

Quickie [03 Jan 2011|11:20pm]
[ mood | okay ]

I have a new Formspring account, since I can't seem to get into the old one anymore. Alas. So, here it is: http://www.formspring.me/badfae1011

WW~ read ~WWWW~ speak ~WW

2010, in vague summary [24 Dec 2010|03:02am]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

My sleep patterns are all funny. I don't know if it's winter, or what (I've long suspected seasonal depression, actually), but I find myself dozing off--or almost--at varying times throughout the day. Yet, here it is, a quarter after two in the morning, and I'm wide awake. Go figure. So, I decided, it's LiveJournal time!

So, we're winding down another year, are we? What a difference twelve months can make. Fewer, really.

I'm somewhat heavier than I was this time last year, but quite a bit lighter than the year before. I'd like to get back to last year's numbers, if only to regulate my periods again (they were like clockwork, for a while) and to make it so my newer clothes will fit better again. This will involve exercise, which I have had pretty much no motivation for, and also paying better attention, again, to what I eat. I have gotten lazy, and forgotten--again, somehow--that I love vegetables and that apples are a tasty snack. Again...seasonal depression? Possibly.

People said to me, thinking they knew what they were talking about, "I bet you feel a lot better, now!" Well...I didn't feel bad before, to be honest. I was every bit as spry at 250 as I am at 210, as I was at 185. One thing that did happen, though--other than the period thing, which is wonderful--is that my resting pulse rate went down a bit. They tell me that's a good thing.

I feel a bit of guilt about wanting to slim down a little, because I do agree with the fat activism stance. I'm also more comfortable sitting with less belly, I have found, which has more to do with my build than my size.

Anyway.

Let's see, what else has happened, this year? I've been dating, for the first time since I was eighteen. And, frankly, there wasn't much going on before then, so I've spent a lot of time learning how the whole thing works. This has caused me both joy and heartbreak, which have led to a great deal of growth and personal discovery, and so I regret nothing. Even the missteps. And, yes, there is someone in my life, right now. More than one someone, in fact. None of these are the cute boy I mentioned here back in March, however. His absence used to make me sad, but doesn't, anymore, and being over it is a thing that occasionally amazes me, but is mostly a huge relief. It all just feels like it was forever ago. Suffice it to say, that part of my life is going pretty well.

One part that isn't going as well is my search for a new job. As many of you know, we moved about two hours southeast of where we used to live. Despite this, the move does feel like the right thing to do. I only wish our present finances were a bit more certain.

Ah, well.

I'm finally getting tired, so I guess I'll call it good.

WW~ speak ~WW

Social networking? [10 Nov 2010|06:02pm]
[ mood | okay ]

I've actually been using Twitter surprisingly often, lately. I don't know what's come over me.

Add me if you want to read sometimes pointless, sometimes cryptic...okay, usually pointless...occasional updates.

WW~ read ~WWWW~ speak ~WW

Hey! [07 Nov 2010|03:54pm]
[ mood | pleased ]

The singer here is a boy I like. Pretty sure he likes me, too.

:-D

He's been working on this video for ages, so I'm thrilled he's finally got it to a point where he's posting it. Show him some love, will ya'?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qB_mZBTcbL8&feature=recentlik

WW~ speak ~WW

Phone! [04 Nov 2010|10:40pm]
[ mood | okay ]

As those of you who also follow my facebook page know that I recently lost my phone, and replaced it today. This means I've also lost many of my contacts.

My own number has stayed the same, so if you have it, text me and let me know who you are! Or, you can post your number here, if you want me to have it (I'll be screening comments), and I can text you so you'll have my number, too.

Well!

WW~ speak ~WW

HAY GUISE [01 Aug 2010|11:33pm]
[ mood | okay ]

Okay, so. Hotmail was not receiving/was bouncing password reset emails from Facebook, which I was unable to log into because of a password change (I should have written it down, apparently). This means I have a new facebook profile. And here it is!

WW~ speak ~WW

GUYS. [26 Jul 2010|12:27am]
[ mood | tired ]

HEY, GUYS! I'm actually kind of caught up on LJ. Granted, I didn't read way way way back or anything, but I've gone back as far as I can on my friends list page. So, yay!

Blame Facebook. I'm having password issues and haven't been able to log in for days, now. My hotmail account, which is the one I signed up with, appears to be bouncing emails left and right, and this includes the password reset ones from Facebook. I'm waiting to hear back from them, and they goddamn well better send it to my gmail account, 'cause it would be a pretty pointless inquiry, otherwise.

So, right, anyway, without that particular time-waster, I have more internet-puttering time to devote to LiveJournal, apparently. Who knew?

I am surprisingly exhausted, so, a little punchy and rambly. Methinks it is time for the bed. In the meantime...entertain me! Ask me a question, and I'll probably answer it, or something.

WW~ speak ~WW

Meme! [23 Jul 2010|12:35pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

I stole this one from madbaker. These books are in no particular order, just the one in which they occur to me.

Rules: Don't take too long to think about it. Fifteen books you've read that will always stick with you. First fifteen you can recall in no more than 15 minutes. Pass it on like the virus it is.

1. Flowers For Algernon - Daniel Keyes
2. To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
3. The Phantom Tollbooth - Norton Juster
4. Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
5. Outlander - Diana Gabaldon (the whole series, really. Very immersive)
6. Eva - Peter Dickinson
7. Invitation to a Beheading - Vladimir Nabakov
8. My Lobotomy - Howard Dully
9. Ramona the Pest - Beverly Cleary
10. Harriet the Spy - Louise Fitzhugh (The Long Secret, by the same author, is a mental extension of this)
11. Boy's Life - Robert McCammon
12. Sophie's World - Jostein Gaarder
13. The Cider House Rules - John Irving
14. 1984 - George Orwell
15. Geek Love - Katherine Dunn

WW~ speak ~WW

Oh, OkCupid...I loves ya' [16 Jul 2010|03:45pm]
[ mood | amused ]

I'm actually going to edit out this one's user name, since he wasn't *quite* obnoxious enough to earn being outed.

This is someone with a completely empty profile--no photo, no information aside from age, sex, location, and marital status--to whom I have either never spoken, or had a conversation so unmemorable that it has fled my mind entirely. I know he's been to my profile (which, by the way, is chock-full of information) a few times, because I remember seeing his screen name show up in my recent visitors at more than once.

It's worth noting that, not only is my OkC status set to "Married", but I link to Beau's page in my very first sentence and use the word "husband" three times throughout the rest of my profile, so there's no legitimate excuse not to pick up on that bit of information right away.

Not as funny as the last one, but still filled with WTFery. I added my own notes, this time...Collapse )

WW~ read ~WWWW~ speak ~WW

This bears repeating: [12 Jul 2010|04:01pm]
[ mood | pleased ]

Girls are neat.

WW~ read ~WWWW~ speak ~WW

The Formspring Bandwagon [23 Jun 2010|09:11pm]
[ mood | amused ]

Most of you guys are also on my facebook friends list, and, so, have seen this. I'll link it here, too, just for the heck of it: http://www.formspring.me/badfae Let me know if you have one, too!

In other news: I had a nice day.

Next-day edit: Just for those of you who aren't aware of it already, my dad--and other family members--read my facebook, and will likely also read my formspring questions. So, if one of you guys asked me the sex question this morning...if you really want to know, ask me again privately, but I'm not going to be posting it on formspring.

WW~ speak ~WW

Oh, I'd forgotten how guys can be... [12 Jun 2010|01:51am]
[ mood | amused ]

This guy, whom I'd never spoken to, messaged me tonight on OkCupid (and I'm not EVEN going to edit out his name).

click here for the funnyCollapse )

Honestly...he's a fucking idiot if he thinks ANYTHING about my profile indicated that, a) I'd be up for whatever he was fumbling for; 2) that I cheat on my husband; c) that my job actually turns me on.

WW~ read ~WWWW~ speak ~WW

All the news that's fit to print [06 Jun 2010|12:33am]
[ mood | weird ]

Oh, PEOPLE. I would post about the goings-on, here, but they seem to change at least once a week (I am not kidding), so I hardly know which end is up. And there's so much that sits, simmering, on the back-burner of my mind-stove...it never seems ready to serve, because I keep having to add last-minute ingredients, then let it cook a little more so the flavors integrate.

The other day (Wednesday? Seems like a lifetime ago), lusciousdame told me that it's been fun to see all the changes in my life over the past year or so. She went on to recount how asking me what was new or what was going on usually elicited "not much" or "nothing, really". And it was true! These days, though...she likened it to a soap opera. I don't disagree, but I wouldn't trade it, either. Unless some long-lost twin shows up and starts making trouble for me--that, I might have a problem with.

Let's see. Been dating a bit, though not currently. I don't even know how to begin elaborating on this, so, I'll just leave it alone, for now. This is one of those simmering things.

We'll be moving within the next six months or so, though we're not yet sure if it'll be another place in this area or, possibly, out of state (Beau's applied for a couple positions within the company he works for--one in Miami, and, the other, in Houston). This, much like dating, is both frustrating and exciting at the same time.

Through the wonders of Facebook (ooooooh), I am now in daily contact with a good number of my family members whom I hadn't/haven't seen in a decade or more...and, also, my father, though contact had resumed with him before he got his FB account (I think I helped convince him to sign up ;) ). I now have more of a relationship with my dad than I ever have, any other time, with the possible exception of the first six or so years of my life. Once I got used to things like my father telling me (and others) that he's proud of me and loves me, plus actually SEEING him every few weeks...it's been wonderful. He was completely absent from my life for so long that I didn't even have enough frame of reference to miss him. Not so anymore. I'm finding we have just as much in common as I'd always suspected, and that it's surprisingly easy to have real conversations with him.

Tomorrow (technically, today, since it's after midnight) is the two-year anniversary of Beau's ileostomy surgery. So far, so good!

What else? Everything and nothing.

Still workin' the ol' dildo mines (I have to be there in eleven hours, in fact). It's not bad, but not great, either; in other words, it will do for now.

I've been holding at 60-65 pounds lighter than I was a year and a half ago (those of you on Facebook have no doubt noticed this already...heh). Stuck since November, in fact, though I guess I should be grateful I haven't gone *up* (except right now, when I'm retaining water like it's my second job). Er...maybe it's exercise time? I'm pretty okay with my current size-sixteen-or-so, though I'd like to have more clothing options. Losing weight was/is less a conscious decision, and more a side effect of being more careful about what I eat. I've been slacking off, lately, but what it comes down to is: more fruits and vegetables, less added sugar (no corn syrup at all, if I can help it), whole grains instead of white flour, where possible, and less "empty" starch...stuff like that. But, hey, my resting pulse rate and blood pressure have gone down, and my periods have regulated again, so, hooray!

I think that's all...for the moment.

WW~ read ~WWWW~ speak ~WW

Ganked from misfitina [20 May 2010|10:19am]
[ mood | rushed ]

Johari Window...hard to describe, easier to click: http://kevan.org/johari?view=badfae1011

Click here to answer: http://kevan.org/johari?name=badfae1011

WW~ speak ~WW

Hey [20 Mar 2010|12:42am]
[ mood | chipper ]

I met a boy. A smart, funny one who is also cute. I kind of like him.

Yep. Pretty happy about that. I think he kind of likes me, too.

So...how's life been treating YOU guys?

WW~ read ~WWWW~ speak ~WW

Another picture, already? [12 Dec 2009|02:52am]
[ mood | awake ]

This is nothing special--just something Beau snapped on his phone on Thursday--but I like it, and think it's fairly representative (even if I'm a little washed-out from the nearby window).

Facebook folks have seen it already.


Me, lately. And, also, coffee.Collapse )
WW~ read ~WWWW~ speak ~WW

Stuff! [02 Dec 2009|03:16am]
[ mood | awake ]

Astute LJers may notice I have a few new icons (finally). Sometimes, I think of the days when I took webcam shots monthly, and it seems like I'm a totally different person.

Anyway, these are the originals. Two are quite similar, but I can't decide which I like best, so they're both here. All three were taken with the built-in webcam on my laptop.


Clicky!Collapse )
WW~ read ~WWWW~ speak ~WW

Dear Assholes, [18 Sep 2009|02:12pm]
[ mood | cranky ]

The commonly agreed-upon procedure for approaching a stranger's door, for whatever reason, is as follows:

1. If a doorbell is present, ring it.

2. Now, pay attention--this is important: WAIT FOR AT LEAST THIRTY SECONDS. If this yields no result, proceed to step three.

3. Knock. Don't pound, don't rattle the windows--just KNOCK. If no one shows up this time, either, it's time for step four.

4. Get the hell off my porch, 'cause I'm not coming. Or, maybe I am, and that's why I'm not answering the door (ho ho).


My level of politeness is directly proportionate to the amount of time you wait during step two...and I can't possibly be the only one. However, if you immediately start pounding on my door, when the sound of the bell has hardly faded...well, now I'm really not buying whatever you're selling, and am much less inclined to be nice while telling you so.

The fact that you can't hear the bell on the porch does not mean that I can't hear it in here. It just means we have thick walls, and like to have the chime centrally located.

I think that guy today should have just gone straight to step four and saved us both a lot of trouble.

WW~ read ~WWWW~ speak ~WW

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